Poison

It all started with a silly dream.

I have been restless lately, battling insomnia and having vivid nightmares the last several nights.  This morning, I was startled awake by my dream, when in it, I was bitten by a baby cobra snake.  It was very dramatic, and thinking of it now, I can still feel the stinging pain that ultimately woke me from the dream world.

I filed that away to Google later, and went about my morning routine.

When I did find the time to search for the hidden meaning, the relevance of the serpentine rude awakening, I found that dreaming of snakes, and especially of bites and fear with them, can be brought on on the verge of an emotional breakthrough.  Working through something that has subconciously been eating away at you, stumbling upon an “aha moment”.  I thought on that for a few minutes before being called away to let the dogs out, brush Sara’s hair, feed the fish, etc.

The next time I found myself at the keyboard, I stumbled upon an article about toxic family members, and the lasting effects those relationships can have on a person.  As I read on, several light bulbs went off in my head, shining light on something I have been guilty of and hiding in the shadows for as long as I can remember.

When you grow up in a toxic environment, you are learning how to be toxic yourself.  The poison seeps into your veins through the constant years of marinating, learning to hate, distrust, hold grudges, be abusive, anxious, fearful and having unhealthy relationships.   You end up being programmed for misery.

Look at the people who have lived on toxic land, radiation in their soil, leeching through and poisoning them, causing illness and cancers, even death.  Living in an emotionally toxic environment is the same!  And it is highly contagious!

All of the poison, all of the bitterness and anger, the distrust and low self esteem had been leeching off of me for years, in some ways more pronounced than others.  I have essentially been teaching my children through my poor examples, to have all of the horrible, miserable traits that have only caused me pain and agony since being exposed to them in my early childhood.

This revelation has reduced me to tears.

I have been very, very careful over the years to parent in a way that was very different than my upbringing, but the potent venom has still slithered around and found hiding spots in my home.  I have seen it and I know that I brought it in.

This is not a death sentence, the cycle can be broken, the damage reversed.

Protect yourself from toxic people!!  Family members especially, the damage is real and whether you see it or not, it will bleed from your very existence and taint your loved ones and your home.  Distancing yourself from the offenders is the only way to truly heal yourself.  It’s hard, and not guilt free, but I know with my heart that it is the only way to be sincerely free from the disease.  I can love them from a distance, but my harmony with myself and my husband and my children trump any feelings of guilt they may try to bestow upon me, blemishing my recovery and blissful existence in a  toxin free environment.

So dreaming of snakes can be evidence of an emotional breakthrough.  Once I got off my knees and dried the tears, I couldn’t help but laugh at how insanely true that simple little sentence has proven to be.

2 thoughts on “Poison

  1. I feel your breakthrough wholeheartedly! Ian and I both have had similar toxic people in our families that we’ve been distancing from these past couple of months. His sister is every sense of the word, and my dad’s family all are. Maybe not as people, just to me.

    I worry about being like the worst of both my parents to my children. It’s showed itself to me recently while I was absorbed in something I thought was important at the time, and it had been the majority of two or three days where I did my mom “duties”, but didn’t really sit down and spend time with my babies.

    And as I watched Celia sit alone at her castle and talk to herself with her toys (after she’d asked me to play playdoh 3 times), I remembered back when I would do just that for days. I loved to, but it was mostly because mom was sleeping and then meditating or dad watched sports the entire weekend and they just wanted me to go away so they could do their thing.

    And I cried too😦

    Even when you think things are healed they’re not, but you’re right it’s like it’s ingrained in you to be this way. Since then I’ve spent most of my time with them and involve them in what I do have to do. If we notice these things and change it, maybe our kids won’t have to go through the same things that hurt us. Hopefully:-/

    • It’s scary how it can sneak up on you! I have this habit of holding grudges for everyone, like if some kid says something mean to one of my kids, I instantly dismiss them, forever dislike them and tell my kids why they should do the same. Ridiculous!!! No one does that!! It’s not normal to despise so many people, to instantly judge, especially bratty little kids, because of some dumb thing they say… Ugh. I know exactly where I got that!

      And yes!! I have been absorbed in lots of projects over the years and isolated myself from everyone, missing out on tea parties and video games, etc, because I had stuff to work on, gotta get it done! Yuck!! I was ignored as a kid, and that sucks!!

      Thank goodness we have been blessed with the ability to see the error in our ways. The guilt was crippling to me, but what an easy fix!

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