Bear with me, I swear I have more happy, positive posts in the works!
I have been spending a lot of time working on myself these last few months, since the crash and burn of last year’s stresses. It’s bizarre how, once I clear my mind and fill it with healing thoughts, I am able to so clearly see what has brought me to where and who I am today. Bizarre, and deliciously powerful!
I have this inner fear of losing my loved ones, which was taught to me at a very young age, both by anxiety riddled adults, and often times, abuse. When my dad was late coming home from work, my mother would pace around the house, wringing her hands and peering out the window, begging for him to get home safely. If she heard sirens, she immediately became frantic, unable to leave the window until he pulled into the driveway.
This was, of course, before the age of cellphones, and as a young child, watching your mother frantic and worried constantly that death would swoop in at anytime, well, it taught me to worry. A lot.
I used to have nightmares of my parents dying, and when we would be left home alone, I found myself wringing my hands, scared senseless if I heard sirens, and constantly worried until they arrived home safely. This was always dismissed and laughed off, leaving me embarrassed on top of the stress.
When I was in second grade, as most children, I was slow at getting ready for school in the morning. My mom got sick of telling me to hurry along, and so one morning, she told me she was leaving.
Imagine, at 7 years old, having your mother tell you she was leaving you, that you would never see her again, because you took too long to get ready in the morning!
I remember having my head down on my desk and crying through most of the school day. The teacher kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn’t bear to tell her that I was so awful, my own mother was leaving me forever. Looking back, oh how I wish I would have shouted it from the rooftops!!! But I didn’t, I just made it through the day, and then felt sick on the bus, as I waited to see if my mother would be at home waiting for me.
As I walked down the hill to our home, I saw that the garage door was open, and obviously missing was the giant 1974 Monte Carlo that my mom drove. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces as I walked through the front door. I saw my dad in the kitchen, home earlier than usual.
“Where’s mom?” I sheepishly asked him in a voice barely louder than a whisper.
“She left. She didn’t want to put up with you anymore, so now she’s gone.”
“Is she coming back?” I asked this, hoping and praying for a glimmer of hope, some glimpse of warmth that would comfort my broken, seven year old heart.
“I don’t know, I doubt it.” That was his answer. I went into my bedroom and collapsed on the bed, wishing I was never born, feeling afraid, sobbing for what felt like hours.
Miraculously, she returned around dinner time. She seemed very pleased with herself when she found me broken and drowning in tears, my eyes so red and swollen I could hardly see her.
As it turns out, she was simply visiting her mother, but decided to teach me a lesson. What I have learned from that lesson, so many years later, is that she is a very sick person and not someone who can be trusted.
You never want to believe that. You don’t ever want to think that you can’t even trust or count on your own parents, but you know, sometimes that happens. I saw this in many ways over the years, but more pronounced when my father kicked me out of the house at just barely 18, and she “washed her hands” of the entire situation, claiming she couldn’t get in the middle of us fighting, she was “powerless”. Wow. Even then, after such a ridiculous, blatant betrayal, I didn’t realize she couldn’t be trusted. I didn’t see how toxic she really was.
Three years ago, when all the crazy drama happened with my dad, the fight that left us completely removed from the family, I still did not see it. How she manipulated the situation, played the innocent victim, then pretended nothing happened. I blamed everything completely on my dad, but they are equally guilty.
Finally, I can see that! Once again, as is her pattern, she abandoned me. Now, this could easily enrage a person, make them bitter, revengeful, you name it. But as I am working through all of my past and present, understanding who I am and why, I can only be thankful for the clarity to see things for what they truly are. There is nothing in this world that would allow me to treat my children the way I was treated as a child. And not having these toxic people in our lives has been such an amazing blessing to us as well! It was them pushing us away that got us back in touch with Abe’s family, something that has been very pleasant and healing. There are no dark clouds or negativity floating over everything we do. No judgement, no drama, only love and happiness. Pure hippie bliss. :)
Very rarely, the kids go to her house to visit, where she tries to show them love with money, purchased things to prove her love. They only stay a few hours, and even in that short time, they bring back snippets of hostile energy. Hateful things said under breath, underhanded compliments, being questioned about us, etc. Thank goodness the visits are very few and far between.
Yes, I wish things were different. I see the tv dad that loves his kids and wish with all my heart that I had that. My children have it and then some, so I can be happy for them, knowing we are giving them what I never had. I see my friends with amazing friendships that they have with their mothers now, and it does make me envy them. It’s something I will never have, but something I know I can give to my own kids.
I also know that there are things that happened in both of my parents lives that shaped who they became. It is and was their choice to treat me the way they did, however, regardless of past injustices in their lives.
That was a load off my heart! It feels good to pull these experiences out, examine them, learn from them, and then set them free. It’s a heavy load to carry, so it is an amazing relief to watch them float away into nonexistence.
Choose Happy. No matter what happened to you, what you have survived, what you fear, you hold the power to choose happy!! What an amazing superpower to have, don’t you think? :)