An Update

sick

I ended 2015 feeling super run down, my body was working against me to say the very least.  I spent so much time  being stressed and worried about situations out of my control that it spiraled several of my regular conditions into pure chaos.  My rosacea flared angrily, and my hormones were so out of whack, my PCOS symptoms were hugely aggravated.  In a nutshell, I was stressed to the max and my body was sending me every warning signal possible that something was very wrong.

Here we are, more than half way through February, and I feel like I still can’t seem to catch a break health wise.

I had accepted that I could not change the situations and people that were causing me stress, and made it a priority to focus on myself this year.  I started by doing a mental and physical detox which may or may not have helped to start a missing menstrual cycle that showed up nearly 6 months later that expected.

Let me tell you, this belated period was ridiculous beyond belief.  Heavy, full of huge clots, and lasting over three weeks.  I felt like I was literally bleeding to death, it was intense.  A few days into this miserable cycle, I came down with what I thought was a simple cold from the kids.

You know how it is, middle of winter, stuck inside, germs just seek you out.  But this cold kicked my butt big time!  The second week in, I completely lost my voice.  This isn’t unusual, I almost always lose my voice with a particularly nasty cold.  But then, it got worse.  The cold moved to my chest and I came down with bronchitis.  I was wheezing and coughing up grody gunk for weeks.  In fact, I am still tapering off of the cough and finally stopped wheezing within the past week or so.

My ears became painfully clogged and I could not hear out of them, my stuffy nose turned into a nasty, brain pounding sinus infection, and I just felt absolutely miserable for weeks and weeks.  So many tissues, so much vapor rub, so much yuck.

And here I sit, the night before the very first dance competition of the season, and I have a fresh new case of pink eye.  Yes.  Super contagious, super grotesque, super ain’t nobody got time for this, pink eye.

pink eye

*le sigh*

It’s so ridiculous, I have to laugh or I’ll cry.

Yes, this will be the year of Angie!  Being sick and miserable with some ridiculous ailment for every single day of the year thus far!  Woo Hoo!!

Wah, wah, wah, whoa is me, I hear ya.

I absolutely refuse to let this define my year.  Perhaps this is just getting all the crap out of the way for all the good that is coming my way?  I won’t lie, in a meditative and raw kind of way, all of the bleeding and coughing up crap, etc was sort of like a physical, tangible proof of getting rid of all the toxic, bad energy from last year and a way of feeling the slate being wiped clean.  I mean, yeah, why not see the silver lining, right?

meditation

I am determined to fix myself, little by little this year.  Still working on fixing my annovulatory cycles to reclaim my fertility.  Not much can make you feel like less than a woman than losing your ability to conceive.  It sucks and it’s stupid and I am way over it.  I have just recently started drinking Yogi’s Women’s Moon Cycle tea, which contains several herbs that are often used and that I am familiar with for regulating cycles.  I am also taking Innositol, something that has promising results of PCOS issues, one of which happens to be ovulation.

In addition, I have been using sunflower oil for oil pulling, and taking a shot of raw apple cider vinegar with the mother every day for the health benefits.  By the way, if you research using raw apple cider vinegar with the mother and happen across any articles about vinegar eels, do not read about the critters.  They are harmless, but knowing they exist will induce major heebie jeebies.  Trust me on this, friends.

I will absolutely be updating with what, if anything helps with my PCOS symptoms.  Besides the supplements, I am also being more mindful, meditating, making fitness a priority, and taking a multi vitamin daily to fill in any gaps.  Right now, all I can tell you is that I have been sick or ailing with something every single day this year thus far and I am waaaaaay over it.

To happier, healthier days ahead, my friends!  Be well!

 

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Ashes

dust

You were forced to murder me in loyalty to your keeper, and yet you still walk past my grave to enjoy my fruit. I can still see tiny glimmers of your life, under the robotic stare, but they are quickly stilled by your trance. I shiver from the bitter iciness that has become you, even these many years after my death. The grip he has, it’s terrifying. Why did you do this? Why let him win? I remember our bond, I cherish our memories, but they are fading along with my ashes. Sometimes when you pass my tomb, I don’t even recognize you. Do you see me? Do you recall what you did? Does it matter?

The gates are closing. Have you noticed that? On your last visit, you could barely squeeze through the thorn covered gate. The last blooms have died and rotted since then, and the gates are sealing shut. The fog has rolled in and with it a darkness that numbs my once warm and happy feelings for you.

It’s a funny contrast, seeing my beautiful fruit surrounded by all of this midnight cover. It intensifies their loveliness to me and whispers in my ear that nothing else matters. Not anymore. When I start to believe that, I see light. Not near the gates, those are sealed now and damaged beyond repair. It made me sad once, but I’m happy to have the ugliness locked out. My dust can swirl around my treasure, soaking up their glory and be rebuilt. New memories replace the bad, and as my mind and body become whole again, it is your ashes that take my place.

I promise to keep the thorns away from your tombstone. I will plant flowers there and tell stories of how you used to be, before you were strung up and forced to live life as the walking dead. Some days I will miss you and feel remorse, but mostly my wounds remind me why you are here, and I know it was your choice.