That’s a Ted Drewes reference, for those not from the Saint Louis area. 🙂
Wow, so 2016, right? Like, wow. The year started innocently enough, and I guess I was under the illusion that we had our stuff together. April 19th comes, and suddenly we are homeless.
The people who lifted us up and carried us through the first few weeks of not knowing and of pure fear were friends, mostly dance family. I had dropped all pride on the day of the fire, I called my mom and begged for help…on her answering machine. She did call back 6 hours later. Abe told her that we were settling into a hotel and weren’t sure how long we were going to be out of the house. She hung up and never checked up on us in any way whatsoever. Over a month went by when she accidentally saw us out and about.
I was admittedly cold to her, but she didn’t pick it up. She listened and shook her head, and then blamed Abe for not telling her it was more serious. Excuse me? Basically she claimed ignorance, and once I updated her, she went straight to updating me on family drama, never mind that her daughter, son in law and grandchildren were living in a hotel, unsure of when they could get back home. It was unreal, so much that when she walked away, I laughed.
We ended up out of our home for seven long months. And even at our lowest and scariest times, I found myself worrying about taking care of other people, of helping anyone I could, of staying present and hosting company and keeping up happy appearances when I was charred and dying a little inside.
But that’s what I do. I put everyone, and I do mean everyone above and beyond myself. I always have, since I was a child. There is not a mean, manipulative, petty bone in my body. I give too much. I know I do, my body certainly knows I do, but I smile through the pain and I give everything because I want the people I love, the people I care about, to not ever spend one millisecond feeling the way I have been made to feel my entire life.
It is easy to be angry. It’s easy to hate everyone and think everyone is hiding ulterior motives behind their smiles. It’s easy to play Scooby Doo and try and rip the mask off all the villains, but you know what? Not everyone wears a mask. And not all those who do are hiding malicious intent. Maybe they wear a happy mask to hide the pain and to keep the peace around them.
I have spent time and money and wasted too much of my happiness throwing it away on people who question my intent. It’s been a downward spiral since the ridiculousness my dad started almost 5 years ago. Cussing out my husband, telling him he has to control me and that I don’t do enough for them, then later telling people my husband didn’t care if my mother lived or died, all in the middle of her cancer battle. So sick, so disgusting. But that’s just how he is, my mom said. He can’t apologize, because that’s just not his way. Meanwhile, let’s all pretend he is a great guy, and it’s me and Abe who are the villains!
No one stood up for me. Not to this day. I have lost siblings and extended family, and of course my parents, and all on his narcissistic, abusive, bs. He successfully kicked my aunt out of the family, poisoning my mom with lies he would make up about her, buzzing in her ears, telling her made up crap, and he has done that to me. He is getting rid of everyone who doesn’t blindly put up with his insanity, anyone who dares to speak up and stand up for themselves. He just doesn’t know what to do with that so he lies. He makes up reasons why they should be shunned and then he goes to work spreading the lies until even he doesn’t know the difference anymore.
My mom wants to believe that my dad and I should talk and fix everything, because I will regret it for the rest of my days if something happens to him while we are “on the outs”. Unfortunately, she is so blind, she doesn’t realize that there is nothing to fix because there was never anything there. Not once in my life did he tell me he loved me, or that he was proud of me, or that I was good at anything. He is the picture of abuse behind a phony mask, but people just think he is funny or kidding, etc. No. I know the truth. This sorry excuse for flesh is a monster. He talks about everyone behind their back. No one is safe. He is toxic, and I am happy to be done.
I recognize that he is the root of my sadness, my feeling of not being enough for anyone, but I also know that it’s not true.
Newsflash! I don’t suck!!
I love with all of my heart. My words are sincere, my intentions are pure, and all I want is sunshine and rainbows. And kittens and unicorns. And glitter and….well, you get the idea. I reject the negative, I reject the idea that I am not enough, that I have to give all of my time, love, money, etc to prove anything to anyone.
I am blissfully going into 2017 with my rose colored glasses locked and loaded. I am going to let my silly, fun, carefree self take over, and if it bothers anyone, they won’t be missed.
I am so incredibly lucky, I have my soul mate, my best friend in the whole entire world, the best husband, daddy, side kick, you name it. And my kids, holy crap, they rock! So smart, so kind, so funny! And we did that!! We made them awesome!! 🙂 Pretty cool, man.
We cheated death twice this past year, and like, hello, message received!
Cleaning the house today of cooties and leftover Christmas trash, etc, and it just feels right to go into the new year fresh and clean of all that stinks. No more time for nonsense, we are busy being awesome.
Happier, drama free posts to come! I will update the silliness when I feel like venting, but mostly I am happy to get back to sharing tips and tricks and crafts and even some of my crocheted creations! So much awesome to look forward to!
Friends, go into this new year knowing that YOU are enough!!!! You are awesome and kind and people that make you feel bad don’t deserve your awesomeness. Really!! It’s that easy. Extended family got you down? They don’t deserve you, walk away. Too many activities you feel obligated to say yes to? Say ‘no thank you’ and walk away! It’s okay!! Life is too short to worry what ANYONE else thinks of you! Seriously! What a waste of time! Trust me, I know first hand! if they don’t recognize a pure heart when they see it, then it’s their loss. Who knows what pain they have been through that doesn’t allow them to believe in the good anymore. It’s sad, but it’s also not your battle. Just love and it will bounce back to you. Be kind, be good, and be open to receiving it back tenfold.
Love and best wishes for an amazing new year! Until next time!