Poison

It all started with a silly dream.

I have been restless lately, battling insomnia and having vivid nightmares the last several nights.  This morning, I was startled awake by my dream, when in it, I was bitten by a baby cobra snake.  It was very dramatic, and thinking of it now, I can still feel the stinging pain that ultimately woke me from the dream world.

I filed that away to Google later, and went about my morning routine.

When I did find the time to search for the hidden meaning, the relevance of the serpentine rude awakening, I found that dreaming of snakes, and especially of bites and fear with them, can be brought on on the verge of an emotional breakthrough.  Working through something that has subconciously been eating away at you, stumbling upon an “aha moment”.  I thought on that for a few minutes before being called away to let the dogs out, brush Sara’s hair, feed the fish, etc.

The next time I found myself at the keyboard, I stumbled upon an article about toxic family members, and the lasting effects those relationships can have on a person.  As I read on, several light bulbs went off in my head, shining light on something I have been guilty of and hiding in the shadows for as long as I can remember.

When you grow up in a toxic environment, you are learning how to be toxic yourself.  The poison seeps into your veins through the constant years of marinating, learning to hate, distrust, hold grudges, be abusive, anxious, fearful and having unhealthy relationships.   You end up being programmed for misery.

Look at the people who have lived on toxic land, radiation in their soil, leeching through and poisoning them, causing illness and cancers, even death.  Living in an emotionally toxic environment is the same!  And it is highly contagious!

All of the poison, all of the bitterness and anger, the distrust and low self esteem had been leeching off of me for years, in some ways more pronounced than others.  I have essentially been teaching my children through my poor examples, to have all of the horrible, miserable traits that have only caused me pain and agony since being exposed to them in my early childhood.

This revelation has reduced me to tears.

I have been very, very careful over the years to parent in a way that was very different than my upbringing, but the potent venom has still slithered around and found hiding spots in my home.  I have seen it and I know that I brought it in.

This is not a death sentence, the cycle can be broken, the damage reversed.

Protect yourself from toxic people!!  Family members especially, the damage is real and whether you see it or not, it will bleed from your very existence and taint your loved ones and your home.  Distancing yourself from the offenders is the only way to truly heal yourself.  It’s hard, and not guilt free, but I know with my heart that it is the only way to be sincerely free from the disease.  I can love them from a distance, but my harmony with myself and my husband and my children trump any feelings of guilt they may try to bestow upon me, blemishing my recovery and blissful existence in a  toxin free environment.

So dreaming of snakes can be evidence of an emotional breakthrough.  Once I got off my knees and dried the tears, I couldn’t help but laugh at how insanely true that simple little sentence has proven to be.

Advertisements

Can we be friends?

It is with great trepidation that I even attempt to revive our friendship.  When I first met you, I didn’t know what to expect.  I mean, we are so different, you with your hard, poisonous shell, keeping the world away from your inner good.  I thought we were cool, we had fun, I looked forward to seeing you.  Then, out of nowhere, you viciously turned on me.

I didn’t even recognize you, how could you be so cruel, so unforgiving?  You spread your poison and you know what?  You made me afraid of you.  Our distance the last several months has  given me a lot of time to think about what happened.  I now know that it was all my fault.

Are you happy?

I admit, it was me that poisoned myself.  You didn’t mean for it to happen, you were a helpless victim, a byproduct of my mistake.

I want to try again.  I want to be friends, I want you in my life, in my family’s life.  I think you could be good for all of us, and if you are ready, I want to start fresh.

This time, I come into the relationship better prepared.  I know what to expect, and in turn, hope to avoid that nasty break up we had so many months ago.

So what do you say?  Is a friendship even possible?  Can we call a truce?  I can’t let you around my children if you turn toxic again.  I would never forgive myself.

I’ll let you simmer, think about it all, soak it in, and I’ll get back to you in about an hour or so.  I have great expectations this time.  Please don’t hurt me again.

 

I will be sure and let you all know how this relationship reboot goes.  See, I had a sort of falling out with lentils last year when I repeatedly gave myself food poisoning by eating them when they must have been under cooked.  That was a huge duh moment.  I haven’t touched them since, I have been too afraid!  But after a good long soaking, over a day to be exact, and much research on the internets, I have decided to try again.  I have a big pot of them simmering away on the stove right now, hopefully poison free!  Fingers crossed for no food poisoning this time!